I want to carve in my arm. “I want to be skinny.” I want to go to the hospital. I can’t take much more of this. I really can’t. Everything’s eating me alive. EVERYTHING. My mind races like no other. You know what? FUCK YOU,

Fuck my life, literally. I’m so fucking confused. What am I supposed to think anymore? Yeah I love you. Yeah I love her. Yeah I want you. Yeah I want her. I just don’t want to wait till you find the will, the courage to be mine. I understand it though. I mean you’re straight, right? I don’t know what to think. It brings me to tears. But I don’t want you to leave my life. So please don’t.

Why do I get so jealous? I hate it honestly. It hurts and I just want to go numb. But the problem is that why can’t she be happy when I am? I mean I’m being selfish. To her AND him. You know what? I need to learn to move on. But my heart is stuck, right here. Split in three. Which way will it go? Who knows.

And this is how I feel right now [:

and i have my doubts. about you. so many. are we actually gonna be together one day? Maybe I just have to wait and see but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.

So, I love you.

So, I want to be with you.

So, I want to call you mine.

So, I want to spend forever with you.

Do you get it yet? I love you. Do you get that I can’t get you off my mind? That you’re tattooed there now? And its killing me. Cause I know we’ll never be. “I’m too far away.” Far away for what? To far for you to love? For us to take a chance? Thats what I wish but that’s not going to happen, is it? I keep listening to our song. And it makes me sad. I cried over you today. i bet you don’t even think of me, do you? Goddammit, I’m on camera with you right now. And I don’t think I can take it. I really don’t. I can’t breath. I can’t think. You have my around your finger. Right wrapped around your finger, do you know that? I can’t take this. i can’t take this.

So, I’m scared shitless. I don’t know if its real or not. I want it to be real but I doubt anything will happen. I love her with all my heart. I trust her. God, she means so fucking much to me. She cares, she understands. Shes been here for me for so long. I want it to be real, please be real. If its not its going to hurt, a lot. I’ll never forget last night. “I want to hold you, kiss you and never let go.” I’ve loved her since may, 2 years ago. I want to call her mine. I really do. ButI have my doubts about it. cause i’m the only girl shes fell in love with, or she says. I’m so scared that it was just cause she was drunk. I don’t know what to think right now. I really don’t. I’m debating of turning my phone off for the day. Just to think shit through, you know? But i have to talk to her and find out the truth. I don’t know what she’ll say. Will she deny it? Will she be honest? Will she lie..? Its killing me thinking of it. She means so fucking much to me. You don’t even understand, how much this girl means to me. he means more than anyone has. ANYONE. She has an affect on me that no one will ever have on me. I want to hold her and call her mine..

So was all of this real? It wasn’t a lie? I hope not. Cause I’ve known you for a year or maybe 2. And you mean a lot to me so don’t break me which i feel like is happening. But I love you either way,.

I can honestly say I love you. You make me smile, my heart flutter. I’m glad I found you and started texting you. You’re beautiful, you take my breath away. You make my stomach go insane. I get weak when you call me baby or babygirl. I haven’t felt this way, I’ve never got the attention you give me. You give me everything i want and need. Even more at that. You’re perfect in my eyes. I wouldn’t trade you for anyone. I want to hold you, kiss you, and everything. I just want to be with you. I can’t take it when we go without talking for a little while. And I miss your voice when you can’t call. You’re like a melody in my head that can’t keep off. You can do things to me that no one can. You make me feel complete. You me smile so much. You don’t even understand baby. If I could express all the feelings that I have I would but theres so much of them I can’t. I wish I could explain baby. I love you.

Nothing has been good for awhile. I hate myself. I want to slit my wrists, pop pills, drink till i drop, and smoke till i cough a lung out. Nothing has gotten better, I don’t want to be here AT ALL. My chest hurts. The stress is eating me alive. The hole is getting deeper and the light isn’t shining as bright as it was. Honestly, I just want to drive off e bridge. But I don’t have the guts to. I don’t know anymore, I honestly don’t. Nothing makes sense. The puzzle isn’t coming together like it used to. Nothing feels the same. I’m distancing myself from everyone.

On the other hand, I feel like I fell so hard for her. I want her, only her. She makes me feel, she makes me smile. She does things to me that usually don’t happen. I haven’t felt butterflies for a long ass time. I think I….